Hey Guys,
I've always known that one of my deepest fear is letting other people down, but it wasn't until recently that I begin to dig a bit at why that is and what the implications are. Every time it happens, particularly to people I am closest to, I am often filled with feelings of guilt and find myself apologizing repeatedly. On the surface, it seems like a rather noble fear but if I allow myself to be honest, it is actually a fear born more out of insecurities and hypersensitivity to what others think of me than out of genuine desire to serve others well. It stems from a desire to please others.
What I needed to realize is that letting other people down due to my own forgetfulness, sinfulness, and character flaws is a natural part of life. I need to understand that those closest to me are eager to forgive me and encourage me to be better; that I am my own harshest critic. There is nothing wrong with having a conscience and allowing God to convict us when we wrong others, moving us towards atonement or reparations. But excessive preoccupation with past mistakes, or maintaining a deep-set fear of disappointing others can be bad in at least three ways:
1) I am sometimes guilty of blowing small things out of proportion and caring too much about a mistake that is relatively small. Learning to distinguish between big and small issues is a mark of maturity.
2) I find myself holding unrealistically high expectations for my friends and family at times precisely because I hold those same extreme expectations to myself. So not only am I plagued with unnecessary guilt when I fail to meet those standards, I am plagued with sinful resentment or anger when they fail to meet those same standards I myself am not able to maintain.
3) There is usually some elements of idolatry in caring too much about what others think. In desiring their good opinions, not for God's sake, but for my own. If we are able to make amends, apologize with true humility, and ascribe all of this behaviour to God, how beautiful do we show him to be! Instead, holding onto feelings of guilt indicates a works-based mentality in which I assume people would only like me if I do not mess things up. This runs completely contrary to the Gospel which is a message of redemption rather than performance. Mistakes and sin is for God's glory, not our shame. For this reason, we should rejoice (and not grieve) over failures and mistakes because we learn and grow from them.
If you're the type to care too much about what others think of you, chances are you share this struggle with me to some degree or another. Encouragement for the week for when you screw up (and you undoubtedly will at some point): Apologize humbly and sincerely, once. Repent. Learn from the mistake. And do not forget to forgive yourself. Afterall, if our God is a God of grace, shouldn't we live in like manner towards each other as well as towards ourselves?
Have a happy, guilt-free Wednesday!
Edward
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
"All this from God who, through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation." 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
"Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gliHyklHr6c
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Happy Wednesday (2/1/2012) (Fear)
"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'" Romans 8:15
Hi Guys,
An uncomfortable lesson this past week through which I learnt some unpleasant things about myself. These are, of course, the very best lessons as delving into our weaknesses is really the only way we grow.
Fear is an interesting thing. It is there to warn us of real dangers, yet it can be twisted into something irrational and harmful. I must distinguish between what I'm choosing to call "general fears" and "personal fears." General fear is loosely define as what a person might experience when faced with an armed assailant, death, disease, lions, clowns, extreme height, etc. Personal fears encompass various psychological dysfunctions such as fear of rejection or fear of insignificance.
I'm no psych major, but what I seem to find in myself and from talking with various people is that personal fears usually arises from past social interactions (or lack there of) which resulted in some sort of emotional trauma. Fear becomes a means by which we cope with that pain and attempt to avoid experiencing it again. Now, what's always seemed intuitively obvious, yet was demonstrated to me this past week, was this: personal fears harm relationships.
For example, a fear of insignificance causes one to constantly evaluate his or her own worth and how it stacks against others' around them. It is small wonder that such people would constantly boast in themselves while tearing down other people's accomplishments and merits. Such a person could never offer genuine encouragement, quite the opposite. They feel threatened, rather than delighted, by other people's growth and strengths.
On a more personal note (as someone who deals with this intermittently), a fear of rejection leads a person to either push others away OR latch tightly onto them in an unhealthy emotional dependency. Any attempts to draw needed boundaries or hesitancy to interact with the fearful in the way they expect arouse suspicions of rejection - which causes them to lash out or grasp on even more tightly. People dealing with this fear have a hard time feeling secure with their relationships and are often in constant oscillation between worrying about offending others, or being inadvertently offended themselves by unsuspecting friends.
Our sinful nature would take fear, a defensive mechanism designed by God for our self preservation, and twist it into a means of controlling pain; and in doing so, hurt ourselves and those closest to us. In short, personal fears fuel various dysfunctions and insecurities that prompts us to do/say unloving things.They cause us to act selfishly when we, as Christians, are called to live selflessly. Our tendency is to hide such fears rather than face the painful task of uprooting them, yet they are the cause of so much conflicts in our lives. The dangers of such fears is that they are sin, yet are so easily disguised as personality traits and, as such, "acceptable weaknesses."
Encouragement for the week: Begin facing down your fears and deal with them. God doesn't want us to live in fear, but in courageous love. Acknowledge that they're there and that they carry very real, very negative consequences. Ask God to work on your fears with you and pray that he would break you free. Lastly, tell someone you trust about your fears and how you've allowed it to hurt others - confess it as a sin and repent of it as you should any other.
Have a happy, fearless rest of the week!
Edward
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
- Frank Herbert, Dune.
Dad on duty..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOfy5LDpEHo&feature=relmfu
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'" Romans 8:15
Hi Guys,
An uncomfortable lesson this past week through which I learnt some unpleasant things about myself. These are, of course, the very best lessons as delving into our weaknesses is really the only way we grow.
Fear is an interesting thing. It is there to warn us of real dangers, yet it can be twisted into something irrational and harmful. I must distinguish between what I'm choosing to call "general fears" and "personal fears." General fear is loosely define as what a person might experience when faced with an armed assailant, death, disease, lions, clowns, extreme height, etc. Personal fears encompass various psychological dysfunctions such as fear of rejection or fear of insignificance.
I'm no psych major, but what I seem to find in myself and from talking with various people is that personal fears usually arises from past social interactions (or lack there of) which resulted in some sort of emotional trauma. Fear becomes a means by which we cope with that pain and attempt to avoid experiencing it again. Now, what's always seemed intuitively obvious, yet was demonstrated to me this past week, was this: personal fears harm relationships.
For example, a fear of insignificance causes one to constantly evaluate his or her own worth and how it stacks against others' around them. It is small wonder that such people would constantly boast in themselves while tearing down other people's accomplishments and merits. Such a person could never offer genuine encouragement, quite the opposite. They feel threatened, rather than delighted, by other people's growth and strengths.
On a more personal note (as someone who deals with this intermittently), a fear of rejection leads a person to either push others away OR latch tightly onto them in an unhealthy emotional dependency. Any attempts to draw needed boundaries or hesitancy to interact with the fearful in the way they expect arouse suspicions of rejection - which causes them to lash out or grasp on even more tightly. People dealing with this fear have a hard time feeling secure with their relationships and are often in constant oscillation between worrying about offending others, or being inadvertently offended themselves by unsuspecting friends.
Our sinful nature would take fear, a defensive mechanism designed by God for our self preservation, and twist it into a means of controlling pain; and in doing so, hurt ourselves and those closest to us. In short, personal fears fuel various dysfunctions and insecurities that prompts us to do/say unloving things.They cause us to act selfishly when we, as Christians, are called to live selflessly. Our tendency is to hide such fears rather than face the painful task of uprooting them, yet they are the cause of so much conflicts in our lives. The dangers of such fears is that they are sin, yet are so easily disguised as personality traits and, as such, "acceptable weaknesses."
Encouragement for the week: Begin facing down your fears and deal with them. God doesn't want us to live in fear, but in courageous love. Acknowledge that they're there and that they carry very real, very negative consequences. Ask God to work on your fears with you and pray that he would break you free. Lastly, tell someone you trust about your fears and how you've allowed it to hurt others - confess it as a sin and repent of it as you should any other.
Have a happy, fearless rest of the week!
Edward
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
- Frank Herbert, Dune.
Dad on duty..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOfy5LDpEHo&feature=relmfu
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